Lessons
by girlgonemadd
Summary: Rodney learns a lesson.
1. Chapter 1

Why did he always do this to himself?

Didn't he promise himself not to allow anyone close to him again?

Dr. Rodney McKay stood on one of the balconies of a remote part of the city, contemplating his broken promise as he watched the moon light dance on the ocean below. The sound of the waves had become soothing over the months and the moon an occasional companion on those rare nights he took a break from work or sleep. There seemed to be little else in his life besides those two and he'd allowed himself to grow weak with the need for human companionship and human touch.

It was a promise born out of too many disastrous situations and his loathsome imperfection. What was the point of needing something that he could never have? The only thing anyone ever looked to him for were the answers to problems they were too intellectually limited to find for themselves. Genius was the only thing he could boast about because it was the only thing that was true. It was the human failings that tripped him up and a part of him wished he could shed his skin and bask in the light of pure knowledge.

That existence was the heaven Rodney envisioned, an escape from insecurities, lack of social skills, embarrassing moments played over and over by so-called friends so they could laugh at him, or, worse yet, when they ignored him.

Being ignored rankled the most more because of who was doing the ignoring. Rodney had done an excellent job of honing his skills in driving others away, most people couldn't see the art of his various defenses much less appreciate them. Until one John Sheppard entered his life and snarked right past all of his brilliantly laid barricades, paying more attention to him than anyone had in years. The need that Rodney had so carefully put in a box and shoved into the dark recesses of his mind broke with surprising ease. The need for attention from someone; the need for a friend who understood; the need for being included; and the need to be important to someone for who he was not what he could do for them.

Perhaps if that need had stayed there, accepting the gifts Sheppard had bestowed upon him, everything would have been fine. But it had been too long and the need grew twisted and disturbed to the point that anyone else receiving Sheppard's attention was competition and jealousy set in and took root. Rodney had believed he'd hidden the jealousy but had to wonder if it bled out like everything other failing as Sheppard continued to ignore him.

People like Sheppard were worse than those who hated Rodney outright. People like Sheppard teased him with a glimpse of something better then withdrew it while laughing at how they'd gotten a rise out of him. People like Sheppard were always the ones who hurt him.

So Rodney carefully constructed another box in his mind, one better and stronger than the previous one; a box that could withstand any assault by kindness. Once he finished that box, he'd find every last shred of need for humanity and ram it into that perfect box then thrust the box into the darkest recesses of his mind where it would never see the light of day again.

New barriers would have to be erected but now that Rodney understood how Sheppard operated, he'd erect new fortifications that would be guaranteed to push the most kind-hearted soul away.

Because in the end, even the kind-hearted ones only allowed him into their world because of his brilliance.

It was a lesson Rodney would make himself learn this time.

Genius was the only thing he could boast about because it was the only thing that was true.

--end

* * *


	2. Chapter 2

Spoilers: None  
Sequel/Series: Yes --pouting-- I wasn't planning on a series or sequel but it would seem my muse has other ideas.  
Feedback: Love it.  
Beta: Yes! Thanks so much to Penny, Ellex, and Kerensa. Any further errors are my own.  
Summary: Rodney's lessons lead to a decision. 

-----------

He knew all about being alone, whether he was physically by himself in an empty lab, walking down the streets of a crowded city among strangers, or working side by side with those he had once called friends.

Dr. Rodney McKay knew all about being on his own, had known about being isolated since childhood and often used it as a barrier to keep others away. He'd never been able to follow the ever changing nuances of people moving from one social group to another, or the constant reshaping of group dynamics whose attentions and interests always seemed to change on a whim. Poor social skills on his part meant he had always found himself on the outside of whatever social grouping he stumbled into. The periphery of any gatherings had become safe territory over the years, no matter how much he hated it. Any step out of that singular, distant orbit had only ever brought bitter disappointment and humiliating rejection.

He had thought going to a different galaxy would change that, and for awhile he had found those around him challenging his intimidation techniques and actually interested in getting a look at the man behind the walls. The man behind the curtain. Yet, once again, they were pulling away from him. It was as if what they had glimpsed behind those fortifications were shadows with no substance, bluster and no courage,intelligence but no soul. Technically correct but without any artistry.

Standing out on a deserted balcony, Rodney held the letter tightly in his hand so the wind wouldn't steal it away. With an aching chest and clenching gut, he gave careful consideration to the neatly printed words on the crisp, white paper. Black and white, paper and ink; it was all so simple. Yet the words engraved upon the page had opened new possibilities and the chance to escape the one place he might have called home.

The Chinese government wanted him to head their off-world science division and they had offered him everything he could want. Personnel, equipment, a shockingly huge budget, unilateral control and access to several highly technologically advanced races and their toys. They were making serious and well thought out plans for their place in the exploration of new technologies and he was their first pick. Not second and not third. No one else had been offered this tantalizing position. They wanted him and they were willing to offer whatever it took to get him. If, that is, he was willing to return to the Milky Way Galaxy.

Rodney recognized the offer for what it was, a chance to start over with his fortifications well in place and the understanding of what happened when he allowed those walls to come down. There he wouldn't be made the butt end of jokes and his opinions wouldn't be carelessly tossed aside like so much trash.

Meticulously he folded the letter, replaced it in the envelope and tucked it into the pocket inside his jacket. Atlantis was beautiful and a once in a life time opportunity - but Atlantis had also made it known he wasn't wanted. Needed perhaps, but Rodney found being needed was a poor substitution for being wanted.

He turned and quietly left.

--end


	3. Chapter 3

Spoilers: Hot Zone, Trinity, and Grace Under Pressure  
Series/Sequel: Yes, this is the third in the Lessons Series  
Beta: Yes! Thanks so much to Penny and Ellex. Any further errors are my own.  
Summary: More fallout from lessons learned. 

------------

"Rodney, we need the bomb deactivated now!" Sheppard's voice was angry and bitter.

He didn't bother responding as his fingers danced over the controls of the alien ship, racing the countdown on the bomb that would wipe out everyone on Atlantis. But his heart squeezed a fraction tighter, because did Sheppard honestly believe he wasn't trying his best? Why was his best never good enough? Gritting his teeth and fighting the cramping in his fingers, Rodney knew the truth. Sheppard believed Rodney was dragging the situation out to the last minute on purpose, in order to stroke his ego. It never occurred to any of them that he'd passed that landmark so far back it was a distant and fuzzy dream. Each passing crisis grew more complex, more dangerous, and none of them understood that he was hanging on by his fingernails, never knowing if this time, he'd lose his grip.

He'd tried to warn Weir and Sheppard not to trust the Sheely, that they brought to mind shadows that played at the edges of one's vision, but he'd been ignored. Without proof, Weir and Sheppard were unwilling to risk a valuable trade agreement with a race that was the most technologically advanced they'd come across yet. It seemed Rodney McKay wasn't allowed to have intuition when it came to people; he was just expected to pull off miracles when things inevitably went wrong.

There was no miracle this time, there simply wasn't sufficient time and Rodney wasn't nearly familiar enough with the Sheelian technology to deactivate the bomb. The Sheely had left a gift behind in one of their visiting ships, a bomb that would destroy all life on Atlantis but leave the city intact. Why trade when they could simply kill everyone and take what they wanted?

Looking down at the readout, he knew there was only one solution to this problem. The memory of Griffin's face as he sacrificed himself flashed in front of Rodney's eyes.

Rodney felt oddly disassociated from everything around him as part of his mind raced through the calculations at hand in a cold, clinical manner. Another part was cataloging all the regrets he carried and there were so many, so damn many, it was hard to keep a clear head. Ironically, it was the fact that he'd never win back Sheppard's trust now that struck the deepest chord despite the knowledge that such an endeavor was unattainable.

Stopping the bomb wasn't possible, but it was a simple matter to access the ship's engines and open the star drive. Somewhere in the back of his mind, Rodney wondered if this was how Griffin had felt as the doors closed and the glass shattered. Calm, numb, screaming inside his own head at how wrong it all was, but not being able to do a damn thing to stop it.

Voices pierced the odd bubble of isolation around Rodney and he slapped the radio on. "Good luck, Atlantis." With that, he quickly jerked the radio from his ear. He tossed it towards some dark corner of the room, ignoring the rumbling protests that issued forth, letting the noise fade into the background. Moving to the controls on the bridge, he quickly activated the engines and watched with mild curiosity as his fingers shook as he entered the destination coordinates. The ship shuddered as the engines fired and moved forward. In a flash of light, Atlantis disappeared and was replaced by a field of unending stars, far from any worlds that might be endangered from the explosion.

Looking at the readout as the time counted down, Rodney whispered softly to himself. "So long, John."

--end


	4. Chapter 4

Spoilers: Very vague references for Sanctuary and Trinity  
Sequel/Series: Yes, this is the fourth in the Lessons Series.  
Beta: Yes! Thanks so much to Penny and Ellex. Any further errors are my own.  
Warnings: UST, angst, and suicide attempt  
Summary: It's John's turn to learn a lesson. 

-----------

The gentle scent was faint but still lingered upon the pillow and blanket beneath his body as his fingers gently stroked the soft materials with reverence, longing and despair. Darkness gave the illusion of time held still, if only for the briefest of moments, and allowed memories to spill forth, welcomed and treasured. The joyous wonder of exploring the treasures to be found on Atlantis, the laughter and fun of playing with Ancient toys, the adventure of exploring new worlds, the companionship that turned to into a steadfast friendship, the accompanying snarkiness that reached levels no one else could understand.

So he waited every night for the last three weeks, waited for the door to open and McKay to lumber in, bitching and griping about privacy and wayward colonels with nothing better to do than bother those with real work. He held watch over this sanctuary, protecting it, keeping the others out, knowing there would be hell to pay if anything was out of place or disturbed when that door did, finally, open.

The door suddenly opened and his heart leapt into his throat but the form in the doorway was the wrong height and the wrong size.

Elizabeth remained in the doorway and did not enter. Despite the distance and the shadows, he could tell she had been crying. "It's time, John. It's time to let go."

The days had been spent sending out one team after another, contacting allies and enemies, and searching the area of space the alien ship could have traveled in the time prior to the bomb going off. Six days too late, the Daedalus had arrived and been sent out to search as well.

All base operations had been suspended for the last three weeks as they searched the galaxy for the scientist who had saved Atlantis once again. McKay had saved them from a hostile alien race and from their own stupidity.

"Tomorrow."

Elizabeth hesitated, then nodded and left.

This time the memories were haunting and painful. The anger at being questioned, the resentment at interference in his personal life, the disillusionment of his faith in McKay's abilities, the distance that grew between them like a spawning black hole. He'd built up walls to keep McKay out under the misconception that he couldn't afford to allow anyone to sway his opinion and put people's lives in danger.

No one had told him the truth, no one had pointed out his errors. It was only during the shocking silence after the alien ship disappeared off their screens did an inkling of the truth begin to bleed into his consciousness. Life without McKay was wrong. Up was down, the sun froze everything within its grasp, the universe tilted at a bizarre angle, and reality took on the surreal characteristics of a nightmare.

Tomorrow would arrive and he'd be forced to deal with the ugly details of a life snuffed out before it's time, deal with memorial service arrangements, write a letter to McKay's sister, and pack up the lifetime that existed in this very room.

He'd lose what little he had left of McKay.

Curling up into a ball, he heard something crinkle and searched the bed. Fingers skimmed over folded paper and he pulled it out, recognizing it as a letter. Sitting up, he read it and felt a cold shiver rush down his spine. McKay had been offered a prestigious position from the Chinese Government. Scanning through the pages, John came to the end and stopped breathing altogether.

The last two pages included drafts of an acceptance letter and a resignation letter. The harsh, cutting reasons shattered the last of John's shields and he bolted from the room.

_"..become clear my authority is questionable at best…"_

The halls of Atlantis passed in a blur as he ran from the room he'd taken comfort in for the last three weeks, but the words followed in his wake.

_"…a lack of faith in my abilities…"_

He could hear the blood rushing through his veins and his harsh breathing as he tried in vain to escape the accusations.

_"…my presence is a continued security concern…"_

The balcony loomed before him, spacious and inviting, while the ocean twinkled under the moonlight. His pace didn't slow, didn't falter, and just as he reached out to vault over the railing, hands grabbed him and threw him to the ground. Looking up, he was surprised to find Ronon glaring at him, and with a roar, he threw himself bodily at the former Runner.

The fight was bloody but John didn't care, driven by pain and rage and heartbreak as he struck out again and again. He wanted to wipe away the words with his fists, make the voice in his head stop, and rip his heart from his chest. It had to end, all this pain and misery, it simply had to end.

Thick arms wrapped around him, taking him down to the floor despite his wild thrashing, and held him tight against a hard chest.

"Why?" Ronon demanded, easily keeping John pinned down.

"He was going to leave! That bastard! He got a job offer and he was going to leave Atlantis, leave us all behind!" The words erupted with hate and bitterness as he continued to struggle. "He was my best friend, my best friend and he never said a word. Not one damn word! That self-centered, egotistical bastard! I hate him! I hate him!"

"No." Ronon's voice rumbled low in his chest. "No, you don't."

And the truth of those simple words broke John.

--end


	5. Chapter 5

Spoilers: None 

Beta: Yes! Thanks so much to Ellex and Laura. Any further errors are my own.

Warnings: Mention of suicide attempt

Summary: John's lessons continue…

----------------

The heavy weight of silence echoed in the gym as Ronon and Sheppard finished their sparring match and packed their gear away. It was a silence that had been born after Sheppard's attempt to leap to his death, just days after they lost McKay. Oppressive and menacing, the silence hung over them like a dark cloud. And if Sheppard didn't talk about his earth-shattering epiphany and Ronon never mentioned his own brooding, hovering presence, then both could accept existing without words.

Sheppard started when strong, lean fingers, hardened from years of fighting, caught his hands as dark eyes glared at him accusingly. He watched without comment as Ronon gently probed the badly bruised knuckles and ugly cuts Sheppard had been able to hide until now. In quick, efficient movements, the former Runner withdrew a first aid kit from his gym bag and set about tending to the injuries.

Shocked by this act of kindness, Sheppard whispered hoarsely, "Why are you doing this?" He realized, at that moment, that one of his mistakes was believing nothing could break the hardened, quiet man before him. Because, as Sheppard watched, the hard-won control over emotions that Ronon exercised broke, and for a moment guilt and loss played across the Satedan's face.

"I can't do it for McKay, but I can do it for you. He'd want me to."

------------------

It had been that simple exchange of need and comfort, not any sense of duty, that kept Sheppard from trying to take his life again. However, three months after the loss of Rodney, everyone was still unable to put it behind them. Zelenka grew harder and colder in his dealings with the Science Department, as if keeping them at arms length would somehow lessen the blow when any one of them died. The other gate teams had developed paranoid hypersensitivity to the dangers facing their team's scientists and the soldiers redoubled their training sessions with a vengeance.

Today found Sheppard's team escorting a group of scientists through an unexplored section on the far end of the city. Though Weir had never found out about his suicide attempt, she'd seen enough of his unstable behavior to ground him until he was cleared by both Heightmeyer and Beckett. Reluctantly, after several sessions, Heightmeyer had cleared him, though Beckett had been harder to convince given how much weight Sheppard had lost. It was only recently that Sheppard had been cleared by the doctor, and this was their first mission without Rodney.

The misty, gray day was heralded by a thick fog around the city and visibility outside the ancient walls had dropped to mere feet. Large drops of condensation ran down the windows that normally allowed light to pass through. Anyone venturing onto one of the many balconies throughout the city found themselves quickly covered in a fine sheen of moisture, their clothing punctuated by fat splashes of rain.

So, when Ronon scowled at the damp state of Sheppard's uniform, his pain clear through the anger, Sheppard sighed in resignation.

"There was a water leak in the last room Dr. Simpson checked."

Ronon cast a glance at the busy, female scientist, noted her uniform was in the same condition as Sheppard's, and nodded darkly. Months after Rodney's death and Sheppard's narrowly diverted swan dive off a balcony, the Satedan was still over-protective of the rest of his team. No amount of intimidation, bullying, threats of his removal from the team or physical violence in the form of sparring would make the solemn warrior back down from constantly shadowing his team leader. Teyla, Ronon's co-conspirator, took turns watching over Sheppard.

So Sheppard put up with Ronon's glares and tried to ignore Teyla's chronic habit of looking around as if they'd forgotten something or someone. He took enough ammunition to start a small war with him and cleared each room himself before allowing anyone else in. And if his thoughts were constantly exploring potential dangers, possible escape routes, and various other military strategies, at least it kept him from examining the gaping hole in his chest.

"Col. Sheppard?" Dr. Weir's voice broadcasted over his radio.

"Yes, Dr. Weir?"

"Colonel - " her voice broke, "John - you need to come to the infirmary. Now."

Sheppard threw a glance towards Ronon and Teyla who nodded, indicating they would watch over the scientists, as he keyed his radio. "What's going on?"

"John - John - " Weir sounded as if she were trying to catch her breath, "Major Lorne's team just returned. They found him. Rodney's alive."

_/Rodney's alive/_ Those two words echoed through Sheppard's mind as the sound of running footsteps filled the hall, reverberated through Sheppard's skull, and left him with no recollection of the trip to the infirmary. Every nerve in his body tingled, he registered the sharp smells of the disinfectant, heard every movement of equipment, every soft swish of fabric when someone moved.

Weir greeted him but he couldn't hear her words over the sudden sound of rushing blood in his ears, so he kept moving to the curtained-off bed and reached it at the same time his hearing returned.

" - don't need your sheep-herding voodoo to tell me what's happened!" Rodney's voice bellowed out, his face thin and pale but _alive, Rodney's alive_. Those blue eyes snapped in his direction and Rodney made a face. "Called in the Marines, have you, Dr. Beckett? Honestly, given that we're living in a city in the middle of the ocean, just where to do you think I'm going to go?"

Too shocked to correct Rodney's mistake on the branch of service he was in, Sheppard felt his voice crack as he spoke and prayed this wasn't another dream. "Rodney?"

"It's Dr. McKay to you and I don't answer to any military hoodlums! Dr. Beckett, I swear if you think you can - "

It was all wrong, the sharp, biting tone Rodney used as he attacked Beckett once again and the instant dismissal of Sheppard as just another nameless grunt. Rodney's face was set and closed off, giving nothing away aside from the obvious anger and disdain. Sheppard felt certain he had never met this man before, and something cold twisted in his gut.

"What's going on?"

That brought a look Sheppard's way that he hadn't ever seen directed at him before, the 'you're-so-stupid-I-can't-be-bothered-to-explain' look.

"It appears Dr. McKay has lost a little over two years of his memories, Col. Sheppard," Beckett began.

"Hey! What the hell ever happened to doctor-patient confidentiality? Or do you commonly spout off highly confidential information to any bystander who asks?" Rodney was warming up to a good rant.

"Rodney, enough!" Beckett snapped.

"It's Dr. McKay to you too!" Rodney spat back.

Beckett looked like hell and sighed in defeat. "Col. Sheppard, perhaps it would be best if you leave."

Stung by the entire exchange, Sheppard backed away until he caught sight of Weir. "He doesn't remember."

"No. It would appear his memory stops several months prior to us finding the location of Atlantis. Dr. Beckett is running tests to make certain it is Rodney but - " there was little question on her face about this being Rodney. "Major Lorne's team found the wreckage of what appears to be a section of a Sheelian ship on PXD-596. Preliminary reports indicate that it's of the same design as the one left behind here." Her throat momentarily threatened to close up on her, the memories still too sharp. "Dr. Zelenka has theorized that Dr. McKay was somehow able to separate the section of the ship containing the hyper drive engines and make another jump before the explosion. The locals reported that the crash occurred about three months ago and they found Dr. McKay barely alive when they went to investigate."

Sheppard sat down heavily, his ears ringing as if he'd been too close to an explosion. "Will he remember?" When he didn't hear a reply, he looked up to see the sadness on Weir's face and it was all the answer he needed. "But it's still him. It's still Rodney and he's alive and he's here. That's all we can ask for."

Weir looked away from him but not before he saw the pain on her face.

"Right?"

--end


	6. Chapter 6

Spoilers: Rising Part 2 & The Pegasus Project.

Beta: Yes! Thanks so much to Alexis. Any further errors are my own.

Warnings: Mention of suicide attempt.

Summary: Lessons can be hard to deal with.

------------------------

"What the HELL is this?" Sheppard demanded, storming into the lab, not giving a damn who was watching as he waved about the paper in his hand.

Rodney's attitude hadn't stopped in the infirmary. He was indifferent, brusque and lacked an ounce of sympathy for anyone who got in his way. People who thought he'd been a bastard before realized just how wrong they'd been as this McKay i really /i didn't care what anyone thought of him and sharpened his razor-like tongue against their emotions with a haunting arrogance.

Without looking up from his current project, Rodney's uninterested tone suggested he thought Sheppard was over-reacting and being stupid. Again.

"That would be my resignation letter from your team, Col. Sheppard. Or didn't they teach you how to read in basic training?"

Across the lab, Sheppard saw Zelenka watching with something like resigned sadness on his face before looking away. Even his hair seemed to droop.

"You're not allowed - "

"Allowed?" That got Rodney to look up but the expression on his face was a mixture of disgust and smug confidence. "It never fails with you small, military-minded drones to think you can simply boss around anyone you want, does it? As it happens, you can't tell me what to do and Dr. Weir has already approved my decision." Those blue eyes grew hard, cold. "Honestly, how I allowed myself to be bullied into taking a place on an off-world team is beyond me but that's beside the point. I'll try and explain in small words, so you're sure to understand, Colonel. I have two years of catch-up work to do in the shortest amount of time possible if I'm to keep this city from falling into the hands of whatever alien race you feel the need to piss off this week. Of course, there is always the Wraith problem to contend with as well, thanks, again, to you. I also find it frighteningly naive of you to consider placing the city in a situation of losing half of its Senior Staff by having two serve on the same team." Rodney straightened even further, eyes glittering with contempt. "And it may come as a shock but I really don't see a reason to put myself in harms way. That's what mindless, military grunts are for."

"Rodney!" Zelenka's shout of surprise stopped the rant but Sheppard was already backing away, disbelief and hurt on his face. "You should not talk to Col. Sheppard in such a manner!"

"Why? Did he give you a lemon to threaten me with it if I don't do what you want?"

The bitterness and contempt in Rodney's voice made Sheppard turn and flee. It followed him through the city and along the halls until he collapsed in an empty, dark room, his chest heaving from the sudden, unexpected exertion. He thought they'd been rebuilding their relationship this last year, he thought Rodney understood that this was his way of teasing him but, apparently, while Rodney had gone along with it, some part of the scientist resented it all.

Running a hand over his face and finding it wet, Sheppard leaned back against the wall and tried to catch his breath. He wasn't sure how Rodney found out about the lemon incident as it hadn't been in any of the mission reports, but it hadn't been a secret either.

If that was how Rodney felt about all their bantering, was it really so surprising he had wanted to leave?

How had he not seen it?

Guilt at all the things that had gone wrong since their arrival gnawed at Sheppard, making his head pound, his chest tighten to make breathing painful, and caused his stomach to churn sickly. The worst, the absolute worst part was that everything Rodney said was true and Sheppard bitterly wondered how one heart could break so much when it had already been thoroughly shattered. He thought it would have been best if Ronon hadn't stopped him from jumping. It would have been best if it had been him instead of Sumner who had died.

The small room was filled with the sound of harsh breathing and as it evened out and sleep took hold, Sheppard desperately wished he would never wake up again.

---tbc


	7. Chapter 7

Spoilers: None  
Sequel/Series: Yes pouting I wasn't planning on a series or sequel but it would seem my muse had other ideas.  
Feedback: Love it.  
Beta: Thanks to Ellex and Annie. All further mistakes are mine.  
Summary: It's Teyla's turn.  
------------ 

"Please forgive the interruption." Teyla bowed slightly when she found Rodney in the lab, working late as usual. There were no other scientists in the room at this hour.

"No." Rodney didn't look up from the laptop he was typing on.

Startled, Teyla glanced at Rodney sharply. "What?"

"I don't forgive the interruption. Go away." Again, he did not dignify her presence with a visual affirmation.

Nothing had been resolved since Rodney's return to Atlantis. He continued to verbally assault anyone who crossed his path and ignored those requests he deemed a waste of time. All social events had fallen into the latter category. With the departure of the scientist from their team, Teyla had noted how withdrawn and hard Sheppard had become. She feared if this rift between the two men was not resolved that Sheppard would choose to step into harm's way one day, when such actions were not warranted. "Dr. McKay, I must speak with you."

"No, you want to tell me what to do or what I'm doing wrong, as usual. I'm not interested so, once again, go away."

"Dr. McKay - "

"Yes, yes, I understand it's difficult for your primitive mind to keep up with me but at least try something close to coherency. Go. Away."

"Dr. McKay, I am your friend and merely wish to - "

Only now did he look up to scowl at her. "What's my sister's name? What's my favorite color? What are my hobbies? Have we ever spent downtime doing something I wanted to do? Do you carry an Epi pen? Do you know how to use one? Do you have any idea of what I'm allergic to?"

The questions were clipped and shot off one after another without a pause in-between.

"You will not allow anyone close to you, Dr. McKay, so I cannot answer many of those questions. You allow your work to consume the majority of your time and loathe to be interrupted for any reason. As for your allergies, I was told…" Here Teyla hesitated because, as anyone who had spent any time around Rodney, she knew of his claims to be allergic to everything, and she had followed Col. Sheppard's lead in believing those claims to be nothing more than an attempt to gain attention.

"In the two years we've served on the same team, you've never once sought out Beckett to ask him if it was true or not, have you?" Those blue eyes narrowed, challenging her to state otherwise.

"No." She admitted with a heavy dose of guilt.

The next several minutes were filled with descriptions of Teyla's background, family members, her friends on the mainland, her strengths and weaknesses, her talents, her likes and dislikes and subjects she had taken an interest in since joining the humans on Atlantis.

Staring at this abrasive man, she could not help but feel another wave of guilt. "How do you know these things?"

"Prior to my memory loss, I made a list of what I mistakenly thought would be important facts about friends I never really had."

--tbc


	8. Chapter 8

Spoilers: None  
Sequel/Series: Yes pouting I wasn't planning on a series or sequel but it would seem my muse had other ideas.  
Feedback: Love it. Beta: Thanks to Ellex. All further mistakes are mine.  
Summary: Ronon's doing the teaching this round.

--------------

Roughly shaken back to consciousness, Rodney moaned in protest and curled into a ball as waves of nausea washed over him. His gut clenched repeatedly and the fervent wish for oblivion was rudely interrupted when a straw was shoved between his lips.

"Sip slowly." The words were low and deep, like the threatening rumble of thunder emanating too close for comfort.

Head swimming, Rodney took a drink and surprisingly, while the concoction tasted vile, it soothed his stomach, relaxing strained muscles. Tentatively, he took another sip, then laid back, allowing the medicine to work its way through his body. Thankfully the room was dark, warm and silent, a blessing to his over-sensitized body. Everything _'hurt'_; sound, light, the chill in the room, even a breeze across his skin felt like nails on a chalk board.

"Eat." Something resembling food was waved in front of him and the scent of it made his stomach and gut roll in a chorused protest and warning.

"Not unless you want more sheets to change." His voice lacked its normal cutting edge and those few words left him winded and tired.

In the dark, Rodney could make out the shrug that moved thick dreadlocks. "Maybe later."

If anyone had to find him in such an embarrassing state, Rodney supposed it could have been worse than Ronon. At least Ronon didn't insist on dragging Rodney off to the infirmary for all to see and he barely reacted to the disgusting lack of bowel control. Quick, efficient, and practical, Ronon would have made an excellent nurse.

"Hot?"

Rodney shuddered, curling up further under the blankets. "Cold."

A large paw was placed on his forehead and when Rodney tried to shake it off, the room started to spin so he laid back down and tolerated the invasion into his personal space. The hand moved, leaving a wake of coldness behind that had Rodney shivering again. Shortly thereafter, a thermometer was stuck in his mouth. When it beeped, Ronon removed it and made a non-committal sound.

"Why?"

It was the question burning at the back of his mind. Rodney clearly remembered a lunch from the mess being brought to him by the skittish Japanese woman from his department as he spent the afternoon working on the water reclamation systems. A few bites into the meal and he'd realized something was very, very wrong as his stomach started to rumble in protest.

A short time later, taunting voices had him desperate to keep what little control he had over his body as he sought to escape the intended embarrassment. A few of the scientists had wanted a public display of humiliation for imagined insults to their limited intelligence and questionable work.

The caveman had appeared out of nowhere, sending the scientists scattering and then tending to him, wrapping him up in that long leather jacket to contain the worst of the mess until they reached Rodney's quarters. Why he would go to such lengths was beyond Rodney and he wondered what the 'Conan the Barbarian' impersonator would want in return.

The weak moonlight shining into his room showed scowling, dark eyes drilling into him.

"You're my teammate."

"Not anymore." Rodney snapped at him, furious at having to continually remind these slow-witted people of that fact.

"Just because you're being stupid doesn't make it any less true." Ronon pointed out.

"My only stupid mistake is staying here for as long as I have!" Rodney hissed, waving his hand over to the opened letter on the desk across the room. "I have others who are actually eager to have me around, so why don't you drop the act and tell me what it is you really want? A bigger, better gun? A weapon to stop the Wraith? Why don't I just come up with a universal bad guy ray gun, guaranteed to take out whoever is trying to dominate the universe this week? I'm sure I can just whip it up before I leave, no problem!"

The drink was shoved back into his face as Rodney trembled from both anger and muscle spasms, and he drank several sips before laying back, exhausted, an arm thrown over his eyes.

"Go away," he moaned, exhausted from the continual cramping and, though he'd never admit it, too heart-broken to continue with this argument.

Ronon ignored him. "I want you back on the team."

Rodney sneered. "To increase your life expectancy!"

"We've all taken turns at saving each others lives, that's what team mates do," Ronon told him. "But that's not why I want you back."

"Oh, do tell!"

The silence stretched out long enough for Rodney to move his arm to look for the hulking man next to the bed, and in the faint light he could make out a hint of sorrow and pain. It cut through his defenses better than any of the kind words could, perhaps because the emotions from this normally quiet man were intense and real.

"I miss you."

--tbc


	9. Chapter 9

Spoilers: None  
Sequal/Series: Yes pouting I wasn't planning on a series or sequal but it would seem my muse had other ideas.  
Feedback: Love it.  
Beta: Thanks to Ellex. All further mistakes are mine.  
Summary: Sometimes lessons aren't easy.

-------------------------

Rodney hated Ronon.

After the incident with the food poisoning, the insufferably stubborn caveman felt the need to continually bother Rodney by bringing him healthy food and making him stop work to eat or dragging him off to the mess hall to face the general population. Despite private and public tongue lashings of epic proportions, Ronon had just shrugged, grunted, and pushed the food at Rodney.

That paled in comparison to what had happened to the people involved in the food poisoning incident. By the time Rodney returned to work, three scientists and one of the military cooks were gone, shipped out on the Daedalus. But not before, a weeping Miko told him as she profusely apologized for her unwitting part in the prank, they had a 'training session' with Ronon That had resulted in a thirty-six minute rant by Rodney on how he could fight his own battles, thank you very much. It didn't put a dent in those dreadlocks, much less penetrate the surface of that hard head.

Even more shocking was the vehement verbal dressing down Rodney had nearly walked in on as Sheppard, of all people, told the military contingent that they were there to protect the scientists, not harm them. Zelenka had been dressing down the Science Department at the same time, telling them if they could not handle something as mundane as feedback on their work, this obviously wasn't the place for them.

It left Rodney feeling confused and irritable and not sure on whom to take his bothersome emotions out on as even his best insults bounced right off of Ronon's thick skull. Sheppard wasn't supposed to care; Sheppard should have just laughed it off as a prank that got out of hand. Why let something as trivial as a little diarrhea get in the way of a good time?

Rodney hated Ronon for telling anyone what had happened, but in the end decided to let it go. There was too much work to worry about and he was very good at closing out people, as well as his own feelings.

He hated Ronon for thinking he was incapable of seeking his own retribution in this situation. Rodney was more than capable of making his staff cry when the mood struck him, especially when they were being idiots.

And at the moment, Rodney hated Ronon for playing the stupid grunt and throwing himself into the path of danger.

The lingering smell of disinfectant, though familiar, would never be a comfort, no matter if he found himself a patient in the infirmary or a visitor. Tonight found him as a visitor and though the odors were not comforting, the steady sound of a heartbeat had the affect of soothing jittery nerves.

Unable to sleep, Rodney found himself by Ronon's bedside, occasionally stealing glances over his laptop to make certain the Satedan's chest moved in synch with the medical equipment attached to the unconscious man.

This visit came with the additional guilt that if he'd been there, been on the mission, Ronon wouldn't have been hurt. While Dr. Howard was slightly competent, it had taken him too long to recognize the danger the Ancient device posed. Had Ronon not physically thrown the scientist aside, Howard would be yet another name to add to the long list of personnel Rodney had lost over the years. As it was, only Ronon's pigheaded stubbornness had kept him alive during the trip back to Atlantis.

Ronon had told Rodney the team took turns saving each others lives and now he was left with the bitter feeling of having let Ronon down.

Glancing around to make certain that no one was about, Rodney pulled out the folded letter from the inside pocket of his jacket. It was a letter from the Chinese government on Earth and the possibility of a new life far from here. Despite all that had happened the last few months, they were insistent in their desire to have him on board their new project.

It was any scientist's wet dream.

Last week he would have jumped at the chance. Today, he wasn't quite sure what to do and that made him angry, resentful, and reluctantly introspective. And it was all Ronon's fault, who didn't have the decency to be awake to be yelled at for being a 'caring' caveman and who was unable to keep his messy emotions to himself.

But most of all, Rodney hated Ronon for making him care.

A slight movement caught his eye and he looked up to find Ronon watching him.

"Gunna leave?"

"I don't know."

"Okay."

---tbc


	10. Chapter 10

Spoilers: Hide and Seek, Underground, and The Defiant One  
Sequal/Series: The contining saga...  
Feedback: Love it.  
Beta: Thanks to Ellex. All further mistakes are mine.  
Summary: A lesson can be like a revelation.

--------------

_"I'm still trying to understand how you thought it was a good idea to test this device by having someone throw you off a balcony," Elizabeth said to Rodney and John. _

Rodney grinned. "Oh, believe me, that's not the first thing we tried."

John looked on smugly. "I shot him."

Elizabeth gave both of them 'the look'.

John added for clarification, "In the leg!"

"I'm invulnerable!" Rodney was beside himself with glee.

"Aren't you the one who's always spouting off about how proper and careful scientific procedure must be adhered to?" Elizabeth asked him.  
"In-vul-nerable!" Rodney sang out.

----------------

He could feel his entire body vibrate with the sudden realization of being home as he and Sheppard exchanged friendly barbs. The routine was familiar in its rhythm: friendly prattle as they each scored points off the other. Rodney could feel his heart pounding in his ears at the camaraderie he never expected to develop with his team mates and his chest clenched tightly at the sound of Teyla's indulgent laughter. Home. After being gone for so long, he was shaking with relief.

-------------

_"Look, what you people do with your C4 is none of our business. We just need food. As far as your little secret down here goes, well, uh..." John paused. _

Rodney quickly picked up the rest of the sentence. "We say, 'What giant underground bunker?'"

--------------

The loneliness had clawed into his body, anchoring itself with barbs so tightly entrenched that he had felt himself stretched out from the tension that was ready to pull him apart. He'd been away for too long, he'd been lost in a numbingly cold darkness that left him fumbling in his attempts to reach the one place he belonged.

--------------

_"This is why parents get someone else to teach their kids how to drive," John told him as Rodney flew the jumper._

_"I'm both insulted and touched by that," Rodney shot back._

--------------

He had fought that loneliness and desolation with work, as he had so many times before, but back then, he didn't even have the idea of a home, much less one to return to. Now home was all he could think about: vibrant and light and warm and comforting.

It's over, he thought to himself. The nightmare of hopelessness had plagued him for so long that being here now, with these people, felt almost like a religious experience.

Home, home, home. He wanted to sob uncontrollably at the flood of contented warmth that the very idea brought forth. It was not unlike having dreamt of losing a limb, only to wake to the overwhelming relief that the limb was still there, still fine.

Rodney felt as if he'd traveled years away from this time and place, always yearning for it but never allowing himself to really believe he could return to it.

But finally he was home and this time he was damn well going to stay.

----------------

An annoying beeping demanded his attention and Rodney rolled over in bed to reach for the radio. Putting it on, he activated it.

"What?!" Rodney demanded, still half asleep. "What ungodly hour of the morning is it and who's broken what?"

"Dr. McKay, your presence is required in the main lab." Radek's voice was formal, crisp. Distant. The wrongness of his friend's tone woke up the scientist fully as he puzzled over why Radek wasn't offering a returning snark of his own.

Before the retort forming in Rodney's head could fall from his lips, he remembered.

Everything.

--tbc


	11. Chapter 11

Spoilers: None  
Feedback: Love it.  
Beta: So much thanks to Ellex. All further mistakes are mine.  
Summary: Where lessons lead to decisions.

-------------

Nothing was right, Rodney thought, as he threw himself into bed that night after dealing with several minor disasters throughout the day. They were minor in that only a small portion of the city would have been destroyed, instead of the entire planet they were residing upon. And while Rodney was used to his minions cowering before his incredible intelligence and rapier wit, it was another thing entirely to see stupid mistakes made because they were afraid of seeking his help.

Radek had been cool and distant, not just with him but with the entire staff, keeping everyone at a physical and emotional distance. It was a punch in the gut to Rodney, to see the walls his friend had built around himself to keep others out. Over the years, they had worked out a system of Rodney yelling at the staff and Radek soothing tears – a kind of good cop/bad cop routine that drew the best performances from their staff.

Everything was a damn mess, everyone was so obviously hurting emotionally and Rodney had no illusions as to his ability to fix the damage he'd inflicted. A part of him wished to return to the disdainful indifference he'd wrapped himself up in and to not care how anyone felt. For a long time, a very long time, that had been his shield against a world where everyone felt a pressing need to belittle and dismiss him both professionally and personally. He had thrown himself into his work because it was something he understood, it was something he excelled at. Science had a rhyme and reason, unlike the unfathomable landmines of human emotions that more often than not blew up in his face whenever he attempted to interact with them.

The problem was, these people had become friends and family to him, and their volatile and often unpredictable eruptions of emotions could hurt him far worse than any physical wound. Ironic as it was, Rodney found himself right back where he started as his gaze fell upon the now hated letter on his nightstand. Did he raise his shields to prevent anyone from hurting him again or did he open himself up, make himself vulnerable once more to those whose opinions mattered to him?

----------------

The sound of laughter and friendly back slapping felt like a knife in Rodney's gut as he watched from the shadows. Sheppard looked relaxed and happy, playing a game of basketball with the team's newest scientist, the rough and ruggedly handsome Dr. David Baskill. Dr. Baskill had, from the rumors that flitted around Rodney on any given day, taken to firing weapons, running for his life and various other military activities with the ease and grace of a swan to the air.

They played two on two, Sheppard and Baskill against Ronon and Teyla. They were all very athletic, very beautiful, and enjoyed each other's company. Rodney could see the activity as the team bonding moment that it was meant to be.

It was hard to breathe, hard to take in the scene of a 'stranger' fitting into the team so much easier and more welcomed than Rodney had ever felt. Emotions clawed at him under his skin, trying to break free as the laughter and friendly competitive banter filled the air.

His memories had returned a few weeks ago after a particularly daunting dream, but it had taken him a while to sort through all the feelings those memories brought forth. Trying to put a perspective on all that had happened, he'd waited too long, took too much time to come to the decision that had led him to search out his team. His former team. Even Ronon, who had hung on the longest, had finally moved on with his life.

There was nothing here left for him now. He turned and walked out, never noticed by those he left behind.

--tbc


	12. Chapter 12

Title: Lessons 12  
Rating: PG  
Spoilers: None  
Sequal/Series: Okay, okay, so when does a series turn into a story with a lot of chapters? Probably about the time I wrote the second or third 'series' of this story. lol  
Feedback: Love it.  
Beta: So much thanks to Ellex, an excellent beta and who helped to polish this piece when I wanted to scrap it. All further mistakes are mine.  
Summary: A lesson of hope.  
---------------------  
She'd watched the proceedings with growing concern and the inability to do anything to change what was going to happen. As certain as watching an oncoming wreck that couldn't be stopped, she knew this wouldn't end well for anyone. Her numerous attempts at trying to talk to Rodney had fallen on deaf ears and left her with an emotional wound that ran deep and painful. 

Elizabeth had known Rodney a long time and had seen how he'd kept himself closed off to everyone prior to their arrival to Atlantis. From what little she learned about him during their friendship, she had gleaned the impression of an unhappy childhood and failed relationships in his past, leaving him with only his work to turn to for comfort and satisfaction. Being sent to Siberia had been a blow to his ego and even the prospect of joining the expedition to Atlantis, however desirable, had done little to soften his defensive personality. People were merely tools, a means to an end, objects to be pushed away so they couldn't become important to him, so it wouldn't hurt when they showed their true colors and left. It hadn't surprised her, then, how he acted after losing all memories of Pegasus.

Atlantis had unquestionably changed Rodney and Elizabeth found it ironic that Rodney couldn't see how deeply he had, completely unintentionally, made his way into the hearts of those around him.

The entire expedition had been affected when they thought they'd lost him. Atlantis had been quiet during that time, much too quiet. Everyone had seemed to feel defeated, especially his team, and especially Col. John Sheppard. The elation at the news of having found Rodney alive was short lived. The memory loss had taken Rodney back to a time when harsh words biting criticism and vicious attitudes were the norm, and the harder his team tried to connect to him, the nastier Rodney's attacks against them became. Out of all the people on the expedition, Ronon seemed the one person to withstand the bombardment of Rodney's outbursts the best.

For the first time since Elizabeth had met her, Teyla had broken down and cried. The Athosian confessed to her glaring oversight with Rodney but all of her attempts at rectifying that mistake with the scientist had been met with disgusted indifference and cruel insults time and time again.

Now Elizabeth sat in her office, gazing at the letter in her hand. It was John's resignation letter, stating 'personal reasons' as his excuse for leaving. Elizabeth had no doubt this was directly related to the change in Rodney. John had been fighting his own demons regarding what had happened, how they had disregarded Rodney's warnings. They'd had their differences, minor ups and downs in their friendship, but after finding John in Rodney's room several times after they thought Rodney had died, Elizabeth wondered if John had come to realize the depth of their bond.

This had gone on too long. She had to try again, for the sake of the team, for the sake of the city, for her own damn sanity.

--------------------

It was nearly 3am Atlantis time when Elizabeth caught up with Rodney. The jumper bay was empty at that hour. She hung back for a moment, watching him as he ran steady, sure fingers over the hull of the jumper, as if memorizing the craft by touch. It was oddly affectionate, and seeing it made Elizabeth's chest tighten. Rodney, for all of his vocal bluster and complaining, rarely showed this kind of open vulnerability. There was plenty of pain, mixed with regret and longing; easy to read in those turbulent eyes and that expressive face. He kept so much locked away, tender emotions he protected with a ferocity that drove away everyone around him. That necessary viciousness had been at its worst when he'd come back from Siberia. With time and the adventures and companionship found in Pegasus, he had begun to open up and trust others, if just a little.

Unfortunately for Rodney, the people he chose to open up to were all too human, with human fallacies and short-sightedness. Mistakes had been made and misperceptions developed, and were left unchallenged despite the obvious signs of their existence.

Rodney had taken those failings to mean they didn't care, that he was just another tool to be used and discarded as each situation demanded. He believed he was only as useful as his intelligence and what he could do for others.

He'd never learned that, despite their best intentions, sometimes friends did stupid, hurtful things without meaning to.

As she watched, Rodney paused near the front of the jumper, fingers tracing the lettering on the side. Smiling at the memory, Elizabeth recalled the banter as Rodney and John argued for days about the name for the jumper. In the end, John had won the debate and settled on calling it simply Jumper One; John's favorite and most often used jumper.

Rodney had to create a special paint that would adhere to the jumper's hull and she recalled clearly that an awful lot of paint had ended up on the team for such a small project, paint that took weeks to completely fade from their skin.

A cold jolt of realization shot through Elizabeth as her eyes flew up to Rodney's sorrow-filled face.

He remembered.

Fighting back the sting in her eyes, her body tingling with a hope she hadn't felt in far too long, she stepped forward. Perhaps it wasn't too late, perhaps forgiveness wasn't an impossibility; perhaps the fractures that were forming throughout her family could be healed.

When Rodney noticed her, he snatched his hand away from the jumper, his posture immediately going stiff and his expression guarded. "Dr. Weir, what do you want?"

_I want my friend back,_ Elizabeth thought to herself, yet at the same time was ashamed that he believed she only wanted him for his abilities. Had she ever told him how glad she was to count him as a friend?

Without a word, she handed him the datapad and watched his face as he read John's resignation letter. Shock was quickly replaced by anger as his fingers curled around the device in a crushing grip.

"Why?" His voice broke, loud in the quiet of the bay.

Elizabeth knew Rodney wanted to know the real reason for John's resignation and didn't pretend not to understand.

"John lost someone he was close to, someone who was important to him." When Rodney looked up, shocked, she held his gaze firmly. "He lost his best friend and the thought that he'll never get him back is more than he can bear."

"I don't believe you." Disbelief was reflected in his eyes, but behind that Elizabeth saw a frail spark of hope.

So she told him a story about a colonel and a scientist; a poignant and heart wrenching story; about how the scientist had been lost and presumed dead - and how the colonel's world fell apart.

--tbc


	13. Chapter 13

Spoilers: Trinity  
Sequal/Series: No, no, no....  
Beta: Ellex and Goddess47

Summary: A lesson in healing.

--------------

"We need to talk." Rodney said when he barged into John's quarters to find him working on his laptop, no doubt clearing out the back log of paperwork before his departure.

"Since when do you bother with the expendable grunts, McKay?" John snapped out, never turning from the computer screen.

Rodney winced, recalling that comment all too well. There had been other malicious and heartless comments as well, so many others and his brilliant memory refused to let him forget any of them. He raised his chin insolently even as his hands flew around in a display of nervous energy. "I'm trying to apologize! I was a conceited, self-absorbed, mean-spirited bastard and – and – I'm sorry."

The angry tirade faded quickly to be replaced by fear. Fear of screwing this up and losing John forever and Rodney knew there would only be once chance to try and make amends. "I'm sorry for all the horrible, insensitive things I've said these last few months." All too clear was Teyla's devastated expression when he'd used his acid tongue as a weapon against her, stripping away her normally composed demeanor.

"And I'm sorry for ever suggesting anyone in this city was expendable, much less you. I'm sorry for pushing everyone away when they tried so hard to make me feel I was still part of something," his hands moved about as if to encompass the entire city, "something special." How many people had he pushed away until it was only Ronon who remained?

"I'm sorry for lashing out at – " at those closest to his heart, Rodney thought, "at people I considered my closest friends and I'm sorry for not watching their backs." The weight of Ronon's injury weighed heavily in the pit of his stomach and made his chest constrict painfully.

There was a long silence before John looked up, resentment on his face. "You remember."

Rodney nodded, not so confident now about his plan, given the furious look on John's face. A jolt ran through him as he realized it wasn't fury, it was hatred and any hope Elizabeth had given him from her story was completely shattered. Any feelings John may have had for him, be it friendship or anything else, had been destroyed as violently as the explosion that took 5/6th of a solar system. Even if he could convince John – no, Sheppard – even if he could convince Sheppard to stay, nothing would be the same. Rodney felt his heart break in two at all the destruction he had caused.

It occurred to him in a sudden flash of insight that Atlantis didn't need him. Radek – Zelenka – had done well keeping the city up and running after his supposed death. But Atlantis needed Sheppard, the one person who could always be counted on to do what was best for the city, to think of the crazy plans to save everyone. The city, the expedition, needed Sheppard to survive and to defeat the Wraith.

"I'm leaving first thing in the morning. Dr. Weir has already agreed." Rodney looked away, hoping Sheppard wouldn't see the bold-faced lie or the way his heart was breaking. If he left, Sheppard would have no reason to leave the city. Rodney was sure he could convince Elizabeth to let him go or he would hotwire the gate and go anyways.

"Did you decide China was more appealing after all?"

The razor sharp words wrought new gashes along his soul that pulsed and throbbed in time with his heartbeat and nearly broke Rodney as he realized Sheppard had discovered the job offer. A rush of nausea swept through him.

"No, I figured it was time to retire, maybe travel or something." The idea of disappearing into the masses on Earth sounded enticing, not staying in any one place long enough for anyone to get close or for anyone to place expectations on him that he couldn't live up to. Perhaps he'd find someplace secluded to settle down; he'd be the crazy, washed-up, has-been all of his colleagues on Earth already believed him to be since he joined the SGC and stopped publishing. Perhaps that was the only expectation he could live up to anymore. At least then no one else would die by his hand.

Suddenly, hands grabbed him and Rodney found himself thrown up against the wall. He closed his eyes and tried to curl up against the on-coming blows, all too familiar with how to try and protect vital organs during a beating. Not all of those experiences had come from his time in Pegasus.

But the blows didn't come and an odd sound made him look up cautiously. Sheppard was staring at him with a look Rodney couldn't interpret.

"You thought I was going to beat you."

Why Sheppard sounded so shocked, Rodney wasn't sure. "Everyone does, eventually."

Sheppard's pale face turned a decidedly unhealthy shade of green and he bolted for the bathroom. Rodney uncurled, shaking, in shock and disbelief, as he listened to the sounds of retching in the next room. Thoughts swirled through his mind as he turned to leave, wondering how to convince Elizabeth to let him leave via the gate by morning, if he could avoid Teyla and Ronon until then, if he should tell them, what he should say, if anything, to Zelenka and what to pack.

His hand paused at the door control, the panic receding just enough for him to hear Sheppard dry-heaving. Before he realized he'd made a decision, Rodney was in the bathroom, carefully rubbing Sheppard's back. The dry-heaves turned into wet gasps and eventually slowed down to something close to normal breathing. A wet washrag and glass of water helped to clean away the worst of the mess.

"Do you want me to call Beckett?" Rodney asked softly, unsure of what to do. At least if Carson showed up, Sheppard would be properly cared for and Rodney could silently slip away.

"No!" Sheppard rasped and when he struggled to his feet, Rodney scrambled to help him up before the idiot slipped and busted his head wide open. With some effort both to keep them from falling over and to keep from noticing just how warm Sheppard was, Rodney got Sheppard to his bed. Quickly, deftly, he pulled off the military boots, pushed back the covers, and draped them over Sheppard when he collapsed back on the bed.  
For several, long minutes Rodney fidgeted as he sat on the edge of the bed as Sheppard's breathing evened out. When it appeared Sheppard was nearly asleep, Rodney calculated how much time he'd have to talk to Elizabeth and pack –

"NO!" Sheppard shot up in bed when Rodney moved away, hands grabby as he pulled Rodney closer until their foreheads touched. In the quiet of the room, Sheppard's sharp, shaky breathing was unusually loud. "Please." Sheppard whispered. "Please don't leave." The gasps were too close to sobs and Rodney found he couldn't look away when Sheppard traced weapon-callused fingers down his face and rested them on his neck. He looked wrecked, eyes red, face pale, bruises under his eyes from lack of sleep, skin damp from sweat. There wasn't a time Rodney had ever seen him as vulnerable. "I can't, Rodney. I can't do this without you."

"Shep – J –John?" Rodney stuttered as a cold, clammy feeling swept across his entire body. He watched in shocked fascination as his hand shook as he reached up, fingers hovering inches from John's face.

With a surge forward, John pressed into those outstretched fingers until they brushed against his five o'clock shadow. His eyes closed for a moment and when they opened, everything was right there; fear, pain, hope and love.

"Please don't leave me again." A whisper. A plea.

Feeling his heart squeeze tight inside his chest and his body shaking, Rodney toed off his shoes before drawing John to him and carefully slipping them into bed and under the covers. Arranging them in the tiny bed, with John carefully tucked under his chin and his head resting on Rodney's chest, he petted the trembling man in his arms.

"I'm not leaving, I'm not leaving, John."

------------------------

They found them curled up together in John's bed, sleeping soundly. Teyla gripped Ronon's arm and smiled up at him with hopeful, shining eyes. "Can we heal now?"

With a gruff, Ronon pulled her into his arms and held her close for a long moment. "I'll tell Baskill his temporary assignment is over."

--end

**Author's Note:** Rodney's idea of being a hermit was a dig at the episode Brain Storm and the writers because I loathed the idea of them making Rodney the butt of the joke yet again (or at all) especially in the one area where he's supposed to excel at.


	14. Chapter 14

Chapter Summary: A lesson in hope and love.

Epilogue

Dr. Kate Heightmeyer heard the commotion from all the way down the hall and allowed herself a smile at the antics of her next patients. A quick glance at the clock showed they were only a few minutes late, a vast improvement from when their sessions first started several months ago. Kate had gone from dreading the weekly sessions (and often wanting to pull her hair out in frustration while screaming at the top of her lungs at the mere sight of any of them), to now finding them 'adorable'. Though she had to admit, even when one or more of them had to be literally dragged into a session, they had all worked hard at tackling the issues facing them.

Kate liked her job but today she liked it even more, composing herself and hiding the affectionate smile as Ronon playfully dragged in an equally playful if protesting John by means of a headlock. Teyla and Rodney followed, watching the pair with amused exasperation as they chatted between themselves.

It was nice to see them all relaxed when so many of their sessions had ended in screaming, in quiet rage, or in pain. She still hadn't found out who amongst their group had suggested group therapy. It had been a question deflected by all of them at one point or another though she suspected it had been John.

He had been desperate to keep his team together and would have done anything for any one of them, especially Rodney.

Ronon dropped John into a chair and offered Kate a happy grin. "We're here."

"I'm sure everyone heard." Rodney rolled his eyes, taking his usual place next to John. Teyla and Ronon flanked the pair.

Team dynamics were as complex, if not more so, than those between a married couple and it was rarely a place a psychiatrist was allowed. Visits were almost always on an individual basis and almost always ordered with the consequence of suspended gate travel before a team member would attend any sessions. Avoidance had been a hard and fast fact at the SGC and Atlantis had proven no different. So Kate had been honored when they came to her asking for her help, all of them projecting a curious mix of strength and fragility. They had asked for help for the sake of the team, the cracks in their relationships deep and festering like an infected wound. At times it was only for the team that any of them remained in the sessions, especially during the more difficult periods when therapy had been the only time the four saw each other during the week.

Now, she watched as Ronon poked at John while John nudged just a little closer to Rodney as Teyla tried and failed to show a dignified front before leaning in to whisper something into Rodney's ear that made him turn pink.

"I have good news for you." Oh how she would miss them; one of the unfortunate occupational hazards about her job was being actively avoided in nearly all social situations.

"Good news is - good." Ronon offered another toothy smile, nearly knocking them all down when he nudged John.

"How very eloquent." Rodney's tone held exasperation but his expression was one of warmth.

"Please, if you would allow Dr. Heightmeyer to continue." Teyla intervened.

"I didn't interrupt her!" John practically pouted.

Before the bickering could continue, Kate held up her hands. "You've all come a long way during our time together and as long as you keep in mind the issues we've discussed and use the skills you've developed, I don't believe anymore sessions are warranted."

For a moment they looked at her, stunned. It hadn't been the reaction she'd expected. She'd honestly thought more than one of them would have bolted out the doors, not look as if the very idea frightened them.

"It's good news." Kate emphasized. "You've worked very hard on the skills you need. You don't need me to facilitate anymore." She allowed a mischievous grin to cross her face. "Though I do have a new therapy protocol around emotional bonding that - "

"No, no, that's fine!" Rodney was on his feet, John a split second behind him. "We're fine, we're good, being finished is good! This will give us some extra time to - to - " the blush was curiously interesting, " - you know - work on - ah - things." Rodney bolted with John on his tail and Ronon laughed at them as he followed after the pair.

"We are truly finished?" Teyla asked, the uncertainty something she rarely showed anyone.

"Yes, all of you have worked diligently. It's a delight to discharge patients on a happy note but you know I'm always available, Teyla."

The Athosian leader came foreword and touched their foreheads together. "Thank you, you have fought with great courage and honor to help me keep my family."

Kate felt herself blush as they parted and Teyla stood to leave. "You're welcome, Teyla." Through the open door and down the hall came a rather loud crash and even louder voices. "And good luck!"

When the door closed, Kate sat back in her chair and looked out the window to the view of the city beyond. Life in this galaxy was never easy and the resulting decrease in moral when Rodney was believed to have died had been visually measurable. What SGA-1 might not have realized in their efforts to repair their team was that their efforts had not gone unnoticed by others in the city. No other teams had stepped forward as theirs had but more individuals had sought help and the over all moral in the city had risen.

Kate wondered if Sheppard's team realized their willingness to fight for what was important touched nearly everyone in the city; that it gave people the strongest weapon they would need.

Hope.

/-/

Team Night had been fun despite Rodney being left with the mess to clean up afterwards. He surveyed the new quarters he'd moved into a few weeks ago and sighed, willing to forgo cleaning tonight for sleep. Stripping down to his boxers and a t-shirt, Rodney crawled into his bed to discover the lumpy mess was, in fact, a drowsy and very naked John Sheppard.

No longer tired, Rodney slipped out of the last of his clothes and pulled the pliant body closer. "God damn it, John, you better not be teasing because if sex is not in our immediate future, I will drag you back to Heightmeyer for couples therapy!"

The last thing Rodney had ever suspected was John volunteering to attend counseling and talk about his feelings, much less with the entire team in attendance. At times, it had been the only thing that had kept Rodney going when the emotions had run high but it showed how serious John was in keeping the team together and repairing their relationship.

Sleepy and aroused, John stretched out under Rodney's hands as the sheet slipped down around his hips. "Rodney," he drawled out the word and tilted his neck to expose a long line of neck, "I've practically moved in with you - "

Two weeks ago, John had surprised Rodney with new, spacious quarters that happened to be right next to his own with a secretly installed adjoining door. They'd spent nearly every night making out like teenagers but nothing more. "And given me a case of blue balls for the last few weeks! You promised once Heightmeyer discharged us from therapy - " the blush returned in full force.

"Rodney, we're naked in your bed, even I'm not that much of a cock tease."

As Rodney pulled the tanned and naked (just where were the tan lines?) soldier into his arms, he knew that much of life in Pegasus was grueling and demanding but he had learned one lesson well.

Loving John was easy.

-End

-  
Chapter End Notes:  
This is for lavvyan and only a year (or two) late! Unfortunatly, the boys were a little shy and so decided to have their very hot sex off-screen.


End file.
